Good Men in Difficult Times
When Being a Good Man is Not Enough

*I’ve Been Here Before*
Sitting with something I can’t unsee, and asking myself whether I can keep doing this work with men.
This time it’s what’s now being called “the 62 million”, where CNN report 62 million visitors to a rape academy website that explicitly teaches seӿual violence against women in one month.
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It lands somewhere deep in me and shakes me to the core.
As a woman, a survivor of seӿual assault, and still open to love. And as a women whose decade-long career is built around working with men.
It shapes how I assess safety, who I trust, how I date, how I relax, or don’t.
And right now, it’s making me question everything.
Does this ’62 million’ strengthen my resolve to keep doing this work with men…
or does it mean I should walk away entirely?
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Because the reality is that 98% of sexual assault, domestic violence, violent crime and femicide are committed by men. Atrocities like this, the Epstiene Files, and the ‘62 million’ visits to a rape where not one man reported the abusive intent, are committed by men who all walk amongst us. They are fathers, brothers, sons, colleagues who have one public face for women, another face for men, and other faces still, in the actions they take behind doors or in the shadows.
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When something is this widespread, it isn’t just about individuals. It’s about patriarchal culture; what is ignored, tolerated, what’s dismissed as “banter” and what behaviours go unchallenged.
Hiding behind the good man mask is no longer enough. And women cannot change their safety without men as allies.
If you don’t want to be associated with, or you feel triggered by the “all men” tag, then do something to change it.
There is a consistent call for men to stand alongside women proactively. What the world needs now, more than ever, is men who can step up in allyship with women and tackle misogyny at its roots.
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*The “Good Man” Problem*
I work with men who want to be good men. Men who care, who do not want to cause harm. Who believe “not all men”.
But being a good man is not the same as being an active one.

What I often see is silence where it matters most:

• avoiding conflict with other men
• saying nothing when something doesn’t sit right
• distancing from “those men” rather than engaging
• focusing on being seen as safe, rather than taking responsibility

I understand why.

There is shame, fear of getting it wrong, fear of retaliation or aggression. And there are very few models for doing this differently. (see below)

But when men hide or fail to act; when nothing is said, or done, then nothing changes. And in that vacuum, the harmful behaviours remain and grow, because good men are not holding perpetrators in check. And in the silence, the impact for women worsens.
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*Less Blame, More Responsibility*
I love men. I am not interested in blame. But I am interested in responsibility.

Because women have been navigating this reality for a long time: assessing safety, second-guessing intentions, carrying the emotional weight and the consequences of male behaviour.

Women are tired.

So when something like this “62 million” emerges, it no longer feels shocking, it’s just more confirmation that women are not safe.
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*If You’re a Man Reading This*
You might be a good man, you might never harm a woman.
And still, this has something to do with you.
Instead of saying “I’m not one of those men”, or moving on to avoid feeling-the-feelings, ask yourself:

• Where do I stay silent?
• What do I let slide
• What conversations or people or situations do I avoid?
• What behaviour have I witnessed and not challenged?
• When was the last time I spoke up?

Because there is a difference between being a man who doesn’t harm women and being a man who actively challenges the conditions in which harm happens.

Because we need both
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*What That Actually Looks Like - aka Solutions*
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Join organisations doing this work:

• HASSL (Harassment Awareness & Safe Space Leaders)
• MACS (Male Allies Challenging Seӿism)
• And others

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*Read. Listen. Educate yourself*

• bell hooks: the Will to Change
• Caitlin Moran: What About Men
• And others

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*Use your voice and your male privilege*
Most change happens within your sphere of influence:  in group chats, workplaces, pubs, locker rooms, friendships, and banter.
In the moment you hear something and choose to interrupt it with;

• “That’s not funny.”
• “That doesn’t sit right.”
• “I don’t agree with that.”
• “Do you really think that about the mother of your children?”

It doesn’t need to be perfect, but it does need to interrupt what’s been normalised.
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*Engage in Social Media *

• Jimmy on Relationships
• Terry Real
• SpeechProf
• Cyzor
• Will Hitchens
• Andrew Bailey
• Jefferson Fisher
• She's Not Crazy

Like, comment and share posts that speak to you, that resonate
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*If You Have a Close Relationship With a Woman*
Don’t brush this under the carpet. Ask her how this affects her.
And then listen.
Not to fix, reassure or explain how you’re different.
Just listen.
Notice if you feel the pull into shame or defensiveness.
And stay with her experience instead.
Let her speak, in her own way, in her own time.
And when she’s finished, ask: “What do you need right now?”
Because it’s in our closest relationships are where change becomes real and trust is rebuilt.
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*Where This Leaves Me*
So yes, I find myself here again. Questioning whether working with men is part of the solution… or whether I’m trying to change something that does not want to change.

I don’t have a clean conclusion, but I do have a direction:

This does not change without men; in policy, in education and in relieving women of the burden. And with men; enough good men, consistently, speaking and acting in the spaces where this stuff actually happens.

That is the work of good men. And it’s my aim to support men into stepping up.
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*Invitation*
So despite everything I’m feeling right now, I’m going to follow my direction and still go ahead with *Good Men in Difficult Times* gathering. It’s online via Zoom on 21^st April at 7pm, whether one of you turns up or a ton of you.

Not because I have all the answers or judgments, but because I believe good men are truly longing for these conversations, honestly and without avoidance. Will you join me?

Details here