Before we go further on this diary of a sexual partner surrogate I would to go back in time and a little of my own past. I was an innocent child, it’s almost unthinkable now….
what I mean is that is almost unthinkable now that a girl of 12 would be quite so innocent
but in the days before the internet, there I was,
entering puberty with no idea what all of these funny sensations were in my body. This, I think was around the time when I started having the visions.
Now I know that sounds terribly exciting but actually, I can only remember 3 of them. The first of which came true when I was 25 years old.
The second took another 25 years to come true.
Now in this 2nd childlike vision, there was a queue of men patiently lining up outside my bedroom door waiting to come in, one by one, for me to ‘do stuff with them’. remember I was just 12 and I didn’t know what that stuff was, I just knew that my body felt alive and ‘kind of funny’ when I’d had that vision.
Now, I am a Sex Coach for men, and for men and their partners. And yes, I ‘do stuff with men’, though thankfully, I am little more clued up now than I was then.
I am living the vision!
So that’s me, and that’s why I have created the diary of a sexual partner surrogate, but what about you?
If you are a human who is experiencing sexual dissatisfaction, and you want some professional help with that, then you generally have 5 choices:
The Psychosexual, Relationship and Sex Therapists route, is where they primarily define sexual problems and offer resolutions through in-depth talk based sessions and homework.
A Sex Coach would teach you how to understand your sexuality better and improve your sex life through specific tasks.
A Certified Sexological Bodyworkers or Somatic Sex Educator would take a more body-based approach, offering a range of hands on practices to support your sexual wellbeing.
A Sacred Intimate would, to paraphrase Don Shewey, combines the roles of priest, prostitute, and psychotherapist, and approaches sexuality from a more holistic body, mind, spirt perspective.
In traditional Sexual Partner Surrogate Therapy, you would work with a sex therapist who would focus on the mental aspects and a sexual partner surrogate who would work with physical and emotional issues.
So what do I offer?
Well, I don’t fall neatly into any of these boxes, I offer a hybrid of these. And that makes choosing a job title for my business cards really tricky (!)
I am trained in coaching, talk based therapy , sexological Bodywork, Living Tantra, Trauma awareness and the Wheel of Consent.
And my integrated approach definitely leans much more towards Sacred Intimacy and Sexual Partner Surrogacy. In that I work holistically one to one with men, and men and their partners. I use a mixture of talk therapy, coaching techniques, touch and sexual intimacy. Probably most important of all, I invite clients into a close and connected therapeutic relationship; working holistically on a specific issue; for a specific period of time.
A growth mindset, safety, trust, consent, presence and strong boundaries are absolutely foundational for this work to be supportive enough and challenging enough for clients to journey into; and move through what can, for some men, feel like a dark night of the soul.
So what would a day in my diary look like?
A typical day starts with Consultation Calls where I meet people who want to work with me, for the first time. It’s a no pressure opportunity to discover whether we are a good fit for working together. And if not me, then I will make referrals to other professionals.
Then I might have an opening session scheduled: This is a two hour no touch, one to one intro session online or in person where we don’t just talk, we move, we breathe, and engage in interactive icebreakers. The aim is for clients to leave with
- New insights about themselves, to be really clear on where they are now and where they want to be and some idea of how they are going to get there
- An understanding the role of safety, risk, presence, pleasure, resistance, change, and embodiment in their journey.
- And whether they go on to work with me or not, they will leave with a stronger commitment to their personal growth.
Next in my busy diary, I might have a Stage One appointment where a client can discover or rediscover his own unique and authentic desire and sexual potential within his own body, I might be coaching him on self-touch techniques, genital massage, breathwork or senses work. There may be talk around sexual history and or relationship styles and exploring specific turn ons.
Or I might have a Stage 2 appointment where the focus is on Empowered Connection with Women. Here, he brings his sexual self-empowerment from Stage One into connection with a woman. Often that’s with me but can be with another Sexual Partner Surrogate. If a partner joins the process at this stage, then I will be coaching both of them together. In this session we might play some connection games, talk about safety – survival responses, relationship dynamics, introduce new ways of touching, while also learning or relearning techniques for more pleasurable, choiceful intimacy.
Or I might have a Stage 3 Empowered Intimacy session,
Taking all learned so far into intimacy coaching, including presence, choice, penetration techniques and moving through blocks into prolonged and deeply connected pleasure
Who are my clients?
I hold very dear the full spectrum of gender fluidity and non binary humans and the range of sexual orientations, expressions and relationship styles that are out there.
And I want to honour with gratitude the very well qualified and experienced therapists working with women and other genders in these fields.
And my work is with Cis Gendered, heterosexual men who are experiencing sexual inexperience or sexual dissatisfaction, and their partners
- The 28 year old man who sought surgical intervention and worked with me so he would no longer want to kill himself.
- The man in his 30’s with one terrifying relationship behind him who wanted to move into an honouring and loving connection with his new partner
- The 64 year old late virgin, overworn by a lifetime of caring for others
- The 59 year old man who had never before touched his genitals for pleasure
- The widower who mourned his wife for 3 years before, , wanting to discover what a woman’s body looked like, at the age of 93.
- The sexual assault survivor
- The cancer survivor
- The cross dresser finding his way into her clothes
- The devout man in his 20s preparing for marriage
- The man trying desperately to hold his marriage together
- The devastated divorcee
- The 40 year old man wondering whether he could ever do it again after losing his wife.
Some of these examples are specific, many of them are a composite reflection on the range of who reaches out.
Each one of these men, each one of these couples are taking huge steps into their vulnerability and courage
Why do I do this this work?
My therapist and I are still working on that one! Maybe its daddy issues? maybe I’m finding this as a way of healing some of my own wounds? Or maybe I’m fixing them (the men) so I can find the right one (man) for me?
I dunno, that’s a work in progress.
But what I can say for sure is, I do this work because I believe that none of us are broken.
Because I believe that the adaptations we have had to make in order to survive the patriarchy, that regardless of our gender, hurts us all: The boys don’t cry myths that wound our boys and men so deeply, the damage inflicted by sex negative environments, the dysfunctional families, the ‘all men are predators’ myths and traumatic relationships can be undone.
Because I believe that this heart – led, embodied, and empowered sex coaching, and work like it, can empower us all. In my case it’s with men and their partners but it can be transformational for any of us who access this work and are prepared to embark on a profound journey of sexual and relational transformation.
And I believe that it is this transformation, in men that can ripple out into relationships with partners, families, workplaces, communities and can help make the world a healthier place;
Transformation in society, in the world, starts with
one body
one heart
one soul
at a time.
When I hear words like acceptance, reconciliation, peace and healing, joy, vitality, virility and aliveness: and stepping into choice and reclaiming my masculinity in the feedback, I know that I am doing something useful in the world.
And in case you were curious about it, that funny feeling I had in my body at 12 years old? It wasn’t what you might have been thinking, it wasn’t pubescent sexual arousal as such, it was more of an aliveness: a vitality, excitement and a feeling of purpose.
When I allow myself to feel the gravity, the honour and the joy of this work really sink in, I still get that funny feeling in my body and I am grateful.
A knowing that after searching all this time, I am living my 2nd vision; that this work in sexuality, with men and their partners is my purpose.
Oh, and the third vision that I remember having?
Well, I was given a clear timeline for that one; And I can’t wait to see what other blessings unfold for me in 2 years time!
