The Wheel of Consent
For Every Body
“In this practice, you learn to tell the difference between receiving and giving. You learn why we need them and find how each of them feeds you in a different way. You learn about desire, consent, selfishness, generosity, boundaries, respect, and pleasure.”
― Betty Martin, The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent
I am a Certified Wheel of Consent (TM) Facilitator. In this video, I talk with Fennel Waters
of Sex Positive Community Vermillion about consent.
Topics Covered include:
- What is consent?
- Some ideas of consent is not
- A helpful definition of what being in consent really looks like
- What makes consent sexy
- Dr Betty Martin and the Wheel of Consent
- What is the Wheel of Consent and how it can help improve relationships
- What we mean by consent violations and some reasons why these happen
- Cultural influences and power imbalances
- Communication
- Going slower enables better choices
- The gift of speaking and hearing a “no”
- What to expect in a Wheel of Consent workshop
What Do I Mean By Consent?
Consent is more than simply “yes” and “no”, because interactions between people are never that simple, we are far too interesting and complex for that!
For the most part, our desires (our needs) are mostly buried under layers of self judgement, embarrassment (shame) or just not knowing! What we want is often unclear or unspoken, so instead we try to muddle on with a mixture of second guessing, performance, telepathy and people pleasing. I don’t know about you, but that never seemed to get me anywhere, least of all to the kind of intimacy and relationships I really longed for.
To get the most out of our intimacy we first need to get really clear about what we want, how to trust what we want, how to value it and then to ask for our needs to be met in a way that is clear and clean.
When we add one or more other people into the equation, each of whom are also trying to get their needs met and using the less-than-helpful guesswork-performance-telepathy-pleasing approach, everything can get a bit messy.
This is what makes consent so exciting. If we can work through our shyness of talking about our wants and desires, of trusting that neither you or your partner(s) are weird and that you can talk about this stuff, consent can be very fun and very sexy!
Which is why consent is absolutely fundamental to all of my work and interwoven into everything I offer, from Wheel of Consent workshops and events to The Art of Sexual and Personal Mastery, The Sexual Empowerment Programme and my Tantric Fusion Retreats.
How I Use The Wheel of Consent To Help Men and Couples
The Wheel of Consent was included in my Sexological Bodywork training and I subsequently trained with Betty Martin and Robyn Dalzen, both as a Practitioner (Like a Pro) and a Wheel of Consent Trainer (Facilitator Training). The Wheel of Consent changed my life. I went from ‘giving to get’ and manipulating my way into trying (and often failing) to get my needs met, to feeling empowered to know what I want and to be able to clearly ask for it AND to be able to receive a ‘no’ as a gift rather than a sign of how terrible/needy (insert your own word here) I was. This was a huge turn around for me personally and in my work with men.
Now I use the principles, practice and ethos of the Wheel of Consent in all of my work: in one-to-one sessions with clients and couples, for online courses and I run my own in-person and group events.
Using Wheel of Consent techniques, I can support you to:
- Notice what you want and ask for it
- Know when to put your desires first (receiving) and when to put them aside (giving)
- Know the difference between ‘want to’ and ‘willing to’
- Get better in communicating and making clear agreements about touch
- Notice and set boundaries
- Feel safe enough to relax and enjoy touching and being touched
- Let go of the habit of ‘going along with’ unwanted touch
- Make empowered choices in sexual negotiations
As the word ‘consent’ implies, it’s all about choice. Whether you come to me for coaching in Sexual Empowerment or Sexual Mastery, or a Tailored Tantric Fusion Retreat, in every moment you are invited to make a conscious choice about what happens to and with you. As a therapist I bring lots of skills, training and experience with pleasure techniques and a warm kindness that aims to empower you to be in full choice at all times. Specific games from The Wheel of Consent include the Yes-No game, Want To – Willing To – No, the 3-minute game, boundary setting, Waking up the Hands, Direct and Indirect Routes to Pleasure and many others.
Wheel of Consent Workshops
I organise and hold in person and online workshops and events, anywhere from 1.5 hours to 5 days. I also deliver workshops at festivals and other hosted events. I welcome invitations to facilitate at other events and festivals. Please get in touch.
Inclusion
The Wheel of Consent is an inclusive modality and a useful lens to examine embodied privilege and oppression. The workshops are designed for individuals of all genders, sexual orientations, and relationship status and styles. Whether you are new to the concept of consent or have previous experience, these workshops will provide you with deeper insights and practical tools to enhance your relationships and your life.
I welcome practitioners, non practitioners, singles, couples, thruples, binary, non binary, gender non conforming and sexualities. People of Colour from the Global Majority and White People and of all ages (over 18) and communities.
Language: The courses are delivered in English in both oral and written format on a flipchart board
Venues: When arranging my own in person workshops, I endeavour to use ground floor rooms with accessible parking, wide access doors, level entrances and accessible toilets. Simple refreshments are usually provided. All workshops are recreational drug and alcohol free spaces.
The Delivery Team: As a White, Native English speaking, cis gendered woman who leads workshops, I am aware that I have blindspots around the experiences of others. Which creates a power imbalance in the space. I am always learning and growing and challenging myself to do better. Wherever possible, I engage team members who support the events I hold, who have personal or professional experience around race, gender, sexuality, migrancy, trauma, chronic illness, disability, mental ill-health, queerness, poverty, neurodiversity, and relationship non conforming and can therefore bring lived experience to the space and redress any power imbalances and the inherent oppression and challenges that comes with these.
Participation: can look many ways and you choose how you want to participate — actively join an exercise, witness, journal, take a break, move around the space and change your mind at any time!
Pricing: I keep my prices low to make events more accessible, I sometimes offer tiered pricing and I offer payment in instalments in advance (full amount to be paid by the workshop start date)
Bursary places: Where possible, I offer low cost bursary places available for anyone who belongs to one or more of the following underrepresented communities:
- LGBTQ+ community including trans and nonbinary humans
- Global majority (non white) humans
- Neurodivergent humans
- Humans with physical disability or living with chronic illness
- Humans with low complex mental health illness
- AND could not otherwise afford to joing the events
I welcome all richness, flavours and tastes; those who choose labels and those who don’t. All open hearted people over 18 are welcome in these workshop spaces where together, we navigate the nuances of boundaries, limits and consent.
By connecting as humans, and through exploring consent together, we are creating stronger and more vibrant communities.
Learn More About The Wheel of Consent
The Wheel of Consent is a body of work developed by Betty Martin and is offered as trainings, workshops and courses to everyday people and practitioners through online and in-person events. You can find out more about these events on The School of Consent website.
Discover More:
- I chat with Jenny Wilson about Sex, Men and Communication on the I Do Consent Podcast.
- Betty Martin’s book The Art of Giving and Receiving: The Wheel of Consent.
- The School of Consent — the home of everything on The Wheel of Consent.
- Got Questions? the arrange your free Clarity Call with me now.
- To get notified of all up and coming events sign up to my Love Letters.
