From the Bedroom to the World:
Sex as a Key to Unlock Our Humanity
By Sian Johnson, The Thinking Man's Sex Coach

I’ll begin with a quote from PT Barnum:
“Comfort is the enemy of progress”
And the sex lectures is not a circus, rather a hotbed of uncomfortable, yet pleasurable progress – if you allow it!

So let’s talk about sexual dysfunction in men:

• Ejaculation challenges.
• Erectile changes.
• Low libido.
• Shutdown.
• Numbness.
• Disappearing desire.
• A whole host of “something’s not working.”

In the decade I’ve been in the neo-Tantra, kink-positive, gender-diverse, sex-positive healing spaces, working with men, what I’ve learned again and again is this: pleasure isn’t the reward at the end of the journey; it is the foundation of change, the catalyst for transformation.

And yet, in the early years of my career, almost everything I saw was…

premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, performance anxiety.

And that is still part of my work.
But lately… something else is happening.
More and more men are coming to me with questions beyond sex:

• “How do I talk to women?”
• “Why do I feel so insecure in dating?”
• “Why do I lose confidence when I take my clothes off?”
• “Why do I have no desire?”
• “How do I have a relationship that works?”

And honestly?

I’m glad.

Because when nothing medical is going on… It’s something else.

Something psychological.
Something spiritual, existential even
and it’s affecting the body.

As a sexologist, I see how pleasure, fear, and joy shape the body’s nervous system.

As a psychotherapist, I know its never just about one man’s inner world.

It’s also about the environment, what’s in the field:

• The culture he lives in.
• His gender role.
• His race, religion, class, language.
• His family patterns.
• His values and beliefs.
• His working life.
• And the often-confusing tension between the privilege that comes with being a man, and the ways the same systems can also constrain and harm him.

Your inner world and your outer world are in constant conversation.

That conversation influences your relationship between your mind, body, and soul.

And not everything is rosy in any of these worlds.

• Socially.
• Politically.
• Sexually.
• Relationally.

In the 7 years since my first sex lectures talk, this has become the heart of my work now:
What happens in the bedroom does not stay there.

It shapes your confidence, your presence, your relationships, and the way you move through the world.

Hence: From the Bedroom to the World.

Because as well as talking about satisfaction inside the bedroom,
we have to talk about what’s happening outside of it.
And the cultural landscape right now?
It’s… not great.

Recently:

• A woman I met through Facebook Marketplace had just left her cheating husband and is raising her daughters to need no man, ever.
• A new neighbour leaving an emotionally absent man.
• My hairdresser told me she’s done with dating men.
• Two friends are quietly leaving their marriages — not with drama, just a quiet, exhausted "I’m done".
• My socials are full of women choosing abstinence, or men as simply accessories.
• Vogue Magazine asked: “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?”

Relationship culture is shifting.

Women are raising relationship standards, choosing independence, choosing careers, refusing to carry the emotional labour for, or parent grown men.

Feminism, as a movement, was never about hating men.

It aimed to dismantle patriarchy - a system that harms all genders, including men.

But now were seeing something new:

Misandry — the hatred of men.

Men hating women is familiar. We see it normalised in rape culture, targets being blamed rather than perpetrators, the manosphere, political rollbacks on women’s and trans rights, the pay gap, the orgasm gap, everyday sexism.

But women hating men as a cultural movement?
That’s new.
And it’s growing.
Relationships are breaking down.
Birth rates are falling.
Women are opting out of partnership, motherhood and emotional labour.

And they’re demanding men contribute more than simply a pay check.

Feminism is fighting to dismantle a system that limits all of us.

But many men get defensive. Too few are showing up.
(And if you’re feeling defensive right now, that’s okay — remember the quote: “comfort is the enemy of progress.”)

But there is no significant male equivalent movement.
No men in collective uprising saying,
“Right lads, emotional maturity starts today.”

Instead, many men feel confused, stuck, or angry, and rather than getting curious or proactive, they seek the relative comfort of stagnation, or exhaust themselves with people-pleasing, or retreat into the manosphere; drawn into blame, misogyny, and gendered fantasy violence.

This isn’t to shame you, men.

It’s to say:
when enough men choose defensiveness, silence, or comfort over doing the work; in the bedroom, in families, in workplaces, in communities, all men risk becoming irrelevant.

And I want to pause here and acknowledge the men who are already on this journey; questioning old myths, unlearning what they were taught, and doing the often-uncomfortable work of change.

I know this isn’t easy.

As a woman, as a human who believes deeply in the liberation and belonging of all genders, thank you.

Thank you for showing up, for staying curious, and for being willing to grow.

And if something is stirring in you, and you don’t yet know where or how to start — that counts too. Even if it’s anger, that’s where change begins.

And if this was easy, we wouldn’t need to be talking about it.

And here’s my take:
Sex is the key.
And pleasure is the doorway.

Not porn sex.
Not performative sex.
Not ‘I’ll give her everything so that I can cum at the end’ sex

Real, connected, embodied sex.
Because pleasure, calm, playfulness and joy are the only states where the body feels safe enough to change these old narratives.

And in my experience, how a man meets himself in pleasure - with his own body or with partners - is how he meets everything else in his life.

From the bedroom to the world

He might not know why his desire is fading, why he’s going through the motions, why he can’t feel much, or why it’s not working anymore.

But he can recognise that he’s people-pleasing at work, overextending for others, feeling angry, supressing his emotions, or never asking for support.

And once he connects those dots, he realises:
he can’t have what he truly wants in the bedroom because he can’t have what he truly wants anywhere.

The bedroom is a mirror of your life.

Take a moment, think back, not necessarily to sex, to a moment when you weren’t trying to impress, perform, optimise, or be your ‘best self’… just simply enjoying yourself.

Funny how life looks better from there.

And that’s not accidental. That state of ease is information. It tells us something important about how change actually happens.

Sex is never just about sex. Pleasure has always threatened religion, state and systems of power, because a person connected to their pleasure is harder to shame, harder to control, and much harder to oppress.

Sex and pleasure are influenced by systems like: capitalism, patriarchy, race, gender, and the old myths of masculinity:

• You are what you produce.
• Achieve or die trying.
• Don’t feel.
• Don’t be soft.
• Don’t be vulnerable.
• And perform everywhere — especially in the bedroom.

These inherited ideas are social constructs that emotionally amputate men, offering only a controlled, constricted version of how you are supposed to show up, to be accepted, desirable, worthy.

Leaving good men trying to build connection with the only tool they’ve ever been allowed to sharpen:

Performance.

And these unliveable standards show up in the body.

• Fight, flight, freeze… or flop.
• Adrenaline floods.
• Blood flow disappears.
• Or everything speeds up.
• Or you go numb.
• Or you check out.
• Or you climax and feel nothing.
• Or shame drives everything like a silent engine under the surface.

These aren’t failures.

They are survival strategies.

Bodies protecting what was never allowed to be felt.

And the cost is enormous:

• Loneliness.
• Depression.
• Withdrawal.
• Abstinence.
• Anger.
• Shutdown.

Seventy-five percent of suicide deaths in the UK are men.
Four out of five in the US.

Not because men don’t need support,

But because patriarchy taught them that needing help makes them “not real men.” – a bit like reading the instructions or asking for directions. It’s difficult…

This disconnection isn’t just a personal crisis, it’s a social one
Recently, I went to see a new place to live. The landlord told me his best friend died by suicide. He didn’t speak to anyone before he died. And the landlord didn’t want to speak about it either.

This fear of being ‘weak’ and this skills gap created by patriarchy leaves many men fearful of the discomfort and the struggle to find and express their true selves – to feel and find meaning and purpose and pleasure.

Disconnected from their emotions and their bodies, men tend to opt out, shut down or lead from fear, image, and control. And what’s happening in the bedroom is a symptom of that.

Because sexual dissatisfactions are the canary in the coal mine.

Your body, your heart and your soul is whispering:
“Are you ready to change yet?”

And it’s so needed.

What women, and all genders are asking for are men - people; who lead from connection, values, presence, and humanity.

Here’s what actually happens when men do the work to reconnect:

• They become emotionally articulate.
• Grounded.
• Intimate without panic.
• Vulnerable without collapsing.
• Leaders without domination.
• And better lovers

They discover a masculinity unique to them – and they are liberated by it.

This is what From the Bedroom to the World really means:

Sexual confidence isn’t about performance,
It’s emotional intelligence,
Self-leadership,
And how you show up when your clothes are on.

So let’s talk solutions

1. Reduce mind based stimulus for arousal
90 days free of porn and mind-based arousal including sexting fantasy, erotica. Because mental stimulus only trains your brain for one type of arousal, it can objectify the bodies you are fantasising and adds to performance anxiety. 90 days clear of mind based stimulus brings your body back online so you can feel again.

2. Read bell hooks
Especially The Will to Change.
She explains patriarchy’s impact on men better than anyone.

3. Clean your social media feed
If your algorithms feeds you outrage and misogyny, that isn’t entertainment, it’s indoctrination. Follow relationship educators, somatic teachers, trauma specialists, and healthy masculinity work.
Here are a few accessible personal favourites:

• Therapy Jeff
• Jimmy on Relationships
• Speech prof

4. Do men’s work
Not bravado circles, real work: accountability, presence, honesty, embodiment.

5. Do women’s work too
Learn how to listen to other genders without defensiveness or collapse.

6. Explore consent
Learn the wheel of consent – learn how to notice, trust, value and communicate what you want, and find security in yourself so that a no, no longer feels like a rejection but a gift received with a thank you.

7. Get support
Therapy, coaching, embodiment work. Your body, mind and soul has a story, get help to understand your disappointments, your hurts and your dreams so you can listen, heal and respond from a place of self-compassion. And yes, that includes coaching offered by men-loving women like me.

8. And above all, don’t stop growing
Staying comfortable is the real danger.
Because “Comfort is the Enemy of Progress”, and the world needs the man you become when you evolve.

That’s why Pleasure as a Catalyst for Change.

That’s why “From the Bedroom to the World” isn’t a metaphor, it’s a map.

In ten years of this work, I’ve seen that when men reconnect to pleasure, they reconnect to themselves, and when they reconnect to themselves, they reconnect to humanity.

And pleasure, connection, and humanity are how we rebuild ourselves, our relationships, our communities and how we show up for the world when our clothes are on.

I want this for men not because they’re failing, but because I know what’s possible when they rise.

I can see a better future for men — and for all of us, together.

I hope that in these 12 minutes or so, I have offered the appropriate amount of dis-comfort to inspire progress in you.

Thank you.

With “Pleasure as a Catalyst for Change” as my guiding compass, I am a psychotherapist, Tantra practitioner, and consent trainer for anybody with a body. I'm best known as a men’s sex coach, helping men move from “something’s not working” to confidence, presence, and intimacy that actually feels good, for them and everyone around them.

My programmes support men in unlearning the myths of masculinity, reconnecting to aliveness, emotion, and authentic connection. I know what’s possible when men rise.

I am passionate about helping men and couples (re)discover pleasure as a powerful catalyst for transformational change. Are you ready to join me on this journey? Here’s how…

• Arrange your Complimentary Clarity Call with me here
• Join The Advantage 12-week group coaching programme for men, starting 29 January here
• Discover innovative one-to-one Sex Therapy sessions here
• Explore Tantric Pleasure Coaching programmes here
• See forthcoming events and workshops here
• Uncover the art of Erotic Tantric Massage here
• Watch helpful content on my YouTube channel here