December Can Be the Catalyst for Separation or for Pleasure
The December into January period is often seen as a time to celebrate, but it can also shine a light on areas in our closest relationships that might need a little extra attention. While it's true that the pressures of this time of year can create challenges, the holiday season can also be an opportunity to rekindle intimacy, strengthen your relationship and create beautiful memories together.
Why the Holidays Can Be Tricky for Couples
The holidays can be a whirlwind. Between family expectations, financial pressures and efforts to create the "perfect" Christmas, it’s easy for tensions and undealt with conflicts to arise. For some couples, this can feel like the straw to break the back of the relationship with as many as one in five UK couples seeking advice on "Divorce Day" in January according to Irwin Mitchell solicitors.
Before you begin to look at a way out, consider first the way in. The way into a deeper connection. Many people will offer advice that only serves to paper over the cracks. Here I talk about ways to not only look at the cracks but to dive in and create the kind of adhesive that will bring you closer together.
Teamwork
It’s inevitable that one partner will shoulder the emotional burden and thinking load for the planning and execution of tasks – and there are so many! I invite you to work as a team, seeing something that needs doing and doing it, being ahead of the game. Instead of waiting to be asked or told what to do, look for and take responsibility for doing the dishes or buying your mother’s gift. Sit down and plan together and do what you have committed to do instead of asking what needs doing. In lightening your partners load, they will be able to relax more and be more open to you as their partner. "Jimmy on Relationships" on YouTube has lots of amusing yet thought provoking content around this.
Plan Time for Each Other
The holidays are often a time when we fill our calendar with commitments. This can be a fact of family life, or where there are unresolved resentments or historical issues, it can be one way of avoiding being alone together. Can you negotiate alone time by dropping one or two commitments or choosing to close the bedroom door to create undisturbed dedicated space and commit to being alone together? This is not for sexy time, instead, my invitation is to create a space where past hurts and current resentments can be aired, heard and resolved.
Appreciation
Take time to listen to each other. Take it in turns to begin first with appreciations, taking it in turns to say one thing you appreciate about the other person. Be clear that you are not speaking about what they ‘do’ in the relationship like "I appreciate how you take care of the family" but who they are "I appreciate your dad jokes make me laugh". Speak from the heart and keep it light. The listener needs to take in what your partner has shared. And repeat back to them what you heard without interpretation so that the speaker knows they’ve been understood.
Requests for Change
Take it in turns to share one request for a behaviour change. Keep it in the present moment, "you always do … and never do …" is not helpful. Keep it simple by focusing on one issue at a time. For example, "I feel that you don’t see me in the evenings and I’d like you to be more present with me when you come home, is there a way that you can leave your work troubles at the door?" Again the listener reflects back and validates the speakers feelings and their request. Here is a place where we can stay in the kindness of hearing each other without being defensive or following the same patterns of conflict and instead discover solutions.
Why the Holidays Can Be Tricky for Couples
The holidays can be a whirlwind. Between family expectations, financial pressures and efforts to create the "perfect" Christmas, it’s easy for tensions and undealt with conflicts to arise. For some couples, this can feel like the straw to break the back of the relationship with as many as one in five UK couples seeking advice on "Divorce Day" in January according to Irwin Mitchell solicitors.
Before you begin to look at a way out, consider first the way in. The way into a deeper connection. Many people will offer advice that only serves to paper over the cracks. Here I talk about ways to not only look at the cracks but to dive in and create the kind of adhesive that will bring you closer together.
Teamwork
It’s inevitable that one partner will shoulder the emotional burden and thinking load for the planning and execution of tasks – and there are so many! I invite you to work as a team, seeing something that needs doing and doing it, being ahead of the game. Instead of waiting to be asked or told what to do, look for and take responsibility for doing the dishes or buying your mother’s gift. Sit down and plan together and do what you have committed to do instead of asking what needs doing. In lightening your partners load, they will be able to relax more and be more open to you as their partner. "Jimmy on Relationships" on YouTube has lots of amusing yet thought provoking content around this.
Plan Time for Each Other
The holidays are often a time when we fill our calendar with commitments. This can be a fact of family life, or where there are unresolved resentments or historical issues, it can be one way of avoiding being alone together. Can you negotiate alone time by dropping one or two commitments or choosing to close the bedroom door to create undisturbed dedicated space and commit to being alone together? This is not for sexy time, instead, my invitation is to create a space where past hurts and current resentments can be aired, heard and resolved.
Appreciation
Take time to listen to each other. Take it in turns to begin first with appreciations, taking it in turns to say one thing you appreciate about the other person. Be clear that you are not speaking about what they ‘do’ in the relationship like "I appreciate how you take care of the family" but who they are "I appreciate your dad jokes make me laugh". Speak from the heart and keep it light. The listener needs to take in what your partner has shared. And repeat back to them what you heard without interpretation so that the speaker knows they’ve been understood.
Requests for Change
Take it in turns to share one request for a behaviour change. Keep it in the present moment, "you always do … and never do …" is not helpful. Keep it simple by focusing on one issue at a time. For example, "I feel that you don’t see me in the evenings and I’d like you to be more present with me when you come home, is there a way that you can leave your work troubles at the door?" Again the listener reflects back and validates the speakers feelings and their request. Here is a place where we can stay in the kindness of hearing each other without being defensive or following the same patterns of conflict and instead discover solutions.
Why a Sexologist Could Help You Reimagine Your Relationship
Sexologist advice may well save you a divorce and instead help you return to a joyful connection and satisfaction in the bedroom.
These invitations are much less about sex than I usually talk about in my sexologist informed content. That’s because sex, or at least good sex, only happens when there is connection. And airing requests and appreciations can help you find your way to reconnect. When we feel heard and seen and feel appreciated for we are, rather than what we do, our hearts open, our bodies relax and intimacy can rekindle. You fell in love with who they are. If you want to experience intimacy and sexual connection with your partner, prioritise appreciation, kindness and connection. So that in making time for these during the holidays, can prevent the kind of conflict that sends you to the divorce lawyer in the New Year.
As a sexologist, I specialise in helping couples deepen their connection and discover new ways to thrive together through my sex and relationship therapy. Learn more here.
As a sexologist, I specialise in helping couples deepen their connection and discover new ways to thrive together through my sex and relationship therapy. Learn more here.
I am passionate about helping men and couples discover pleasure as a powerful catalyst for transformational change. Are you ready to join me on this journey? Here’s how…