Sexologist Describes - Finding Your Own Path: Growth Without Comparison

Inspired by a Zen Tarot Card that I pulled from the deck a few days ago, I thought to share some of my arduous desires for you. Far from being Zen, this is more of a manifesto. And I hope you can feel the love in this for you too…

Stop comparing yourself to others

Stop measuring yourself by how ‘successful’ you are

Or the size of your car

Or the size or shape of your waistline or your genitals

Stop comparing yourself to somebody else in your field of experience

Stop comparing yourself to people your own age who you may think have achieved more than you

Stop comparing yourself to colleagues, to friends, to family, to your children

Stop comparing yourself to porn and fantasies, or your partners past loves

Just stop

From my own experience as a Sexologist and human being, the real comparison battle is not with others but with yourself – it’s an internal one.

We are all growing into our own potential, but when we compare ourselves to others, we misdirect our energy into a battle we were never meant to fight.

Because the real battle, which is not really a battle at all, is about acknowledging our insecurities, our seeing our shame as a signpost to what we are protecting and who we truly are inside. It’s about honouring the parts of ourselves that are competing with each other to make us safe, even if we call those parts bad.

When we compare ourselves with others we will, inevitably feel inferior to some people and we will always feel superior to others.

But a single raindrop is just as essential as the vast ocean.

The ocean, mighty and powerful, exists only because of the stream or river that carves its own path through the land towards it and the raindrops that land within it.

The cloud, the raindrop, and in turn the river shapes the world around it, nourishing everything in its way before coming home to the ocean. And a raindrop, though small and fleeting, carries the same essence as the sea itself.

We all have our place in this world and when our basic needs are met, and the conditions are at least a little bit favourable, we can choose to reach our oceanic potential.

Whether we find ourselves falling as rain, flowing as a river, or swelling as the tide, each of us is on our own journey of growth, alongside each other.

Without the cloud there would be no raindrop, there would be no river.

Without the river, there would be no ocean.

Without the ocean, the raindrop would have no clouds in which to return.

Each is equally important.

All of us have a contribution to make in the world and it begins with growing into our potential of who we are in ourselves, and the rest of our world will fall into place around us.

We're always growing, ever changing — that's what we do.

My invitation is to stop comparing yourself to others. My invitation is to internally love and accept yourself for exactly who you are now — and to choose to step into your growth with a spirit of not judging yourself, but coming from a place of kindness. Taking time to notice yourself. To be curious. To explore your clouds with pleasure and play.

Not for the sake of others, to meet some expectation of life stage or salary grade or porn style intimacy; but for yourself. For your own sake, for your own life and your own vitality.

When we truly embrace our journey of growth and find our path of potential, our energy is taken away from unhelpful competition and shaming comparison and is instead freed to support and nourish you, to build your tolerance and resilience. And from this place it is so much easier to find abundant resources to explore your grey overcast clouds and your golden sun kissed clouds; to be loving and generous with yourself and with others.

Change and growth is not an option for the clouds, the rain, the river, or the ocean. Nor for humans either.

Whether you feel stuck or choose to embrace change, the only comparison worth anything is noticing where you are now from where you were before; and from where you are now and choosing growthful change every time.

If you experience unhelpful comparisons, intrusive thoughts or an overall feeling of not good enough, whether you are single or in a relationship, let’s talk about how that could be different for you.